


It's All in Vain

by literalstonygarbage



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual Tony Stark, Civil War Fix-It, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt, Hurt Tony Stark, I don't know, M/M, Mutual Pining, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Nightmares, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Feels, T'Challa (Marvel) Is a Good Bro, They'll figure it out, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unrequited Crush, Unresolved Sexual Tension, steve and tony are sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literalstonygarbage/pseuds/literalstonygarbage
Summary: Tony sat on the cold floor in an unused room in the tower, a phone in one hand, a glass of scotch in the other. It had been two months since the fight in Siberia. The fight where Tony was left cold and broken. The fight where all Tony got was a shitty apology letter and a burner phone. The fight that turned him against his friend. He let these thoughts sink into his mind, as he gazed out the panoramic windows overlooking New York City.The phone sat in his hand, mocking him. Reminding him of what had happened.Hastily (and drunkenly), Tony flipped open the phone and stared at the only contact in the phone, before clicking the talk button.





	1. Tony's POV

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all.
> 
> This is my first fic so I'm still figuring everything out. I'm not the greatest writer but I'm hoping this one hits in the feels.
> 
> This fic is based on [this fanart](http://mrsgingles.tumblr.com/post/144079527695/so-no-matter-what-i-promise-you-if-you-need-us) that gave me a lot of emotions I was unprepared for. It's a masterpiece so please open the link to see the picture bedore reading. It makes the fic way better I promise.
> 
> I'm doing this fic as a two-person POV, so first you'll get Tony's POV and then you'll get Steve's POV.  
> And yes, I know that Tony isn't at the tower, he's supposed to be at the compound. But he isn't because I'm ignoring it. Just assume he had to stop by the tower to do business, I don't know, imagine it how you want.
> 
> I know this is really short so far but I'm gonna try to make it longer. I just suck at visualization, I dunno.
> 
> Also the title is a song by Wet so also check out the song and maybe listen to it while reading because I think the context kind of makes sense with the fic? But idk? Lmk.
> 
> Happy reading!  
> (please read the end notes too)
> 
> 11/22/2016  
> Hi! Sorry I haven't updated anything recently. I've been working on chapters three and four but I went back and expanded/made edits to chapters one and two so that they would add more background to the chapters I'm currently writing.  
> Thanks for reading!

Tony sat on the cold floor in an unused room in his tower, a phone in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other.

It was 1 AM, and the tower had never felt so vacant.

It had been two months since the fight in Siberia. The fight where Tony was left cold and broken. The fight where all Tony got was a shitty apology letter and a burner phone. The fight that turned him against his friend. He let these thoughts sink into his mind, as he gazed out the panoramic windows overlooking New York City.

The tower, once a place for the people he held as his family, now only evoked painful memories of him and Steve’s budding friendship. Why Tony came back, he wasn’t quite sure of.

He remembered nights spent in the living room of his penthouse suite with Steve, sitting comfortably either in silence, or talking till the sun rose. He remembered finally feeling like he found a friend that understands him, and the way Steve’s blue eyes bored into his, paying attention to every pointless word Tony spewed out of his mouth.

Steve and Tony had grown into a trusting friendship. Tony let him in, let him know his fears. He thought he had found someone who could comfort him, and make him feel worth something. But of course, Steve used his insecurities and fears against him - used them to prove that maybe Tony wasn’t worth his time. To abandon their friendship for someone of more importance.

_“He’s my friend.”_   
_“So was I.”_

To make matters worse, the burner phone sat in his hand, mocking him. Reminding him of what had happened.

Hastily (and drunkenly), Tony flipped open the phone and stared with blurry vision at the only contact in the phone, before clicking the talk button.

His heart beat faster and faster as the phone rang for what seemed like an eternity.

Tony hated the phone that he clutched to his ear. He hated that he had gotten himself drunk enough to actually make this call, but above all, he hated Steve. If it wasn’t for the stubborn idiot, he might have his family back that he missed. But instead, it all had to be screwed to hell, all because Steve chose Bucky over him and kept a secret that changed his whole life.

Tony rubbed his hand down his face in distress, noticing how scruffy his once perfect goatee had grown to be. He could shave it- but what is worth it?

In that moment, the ringing stopped and he heard sharp breathing coming from the other line.

“Tony?”

Steve’s voice sounded… almost pained. Like regret had maybe finally kicked in and he realized that none of this was worth the fight.

But who was he kidding.

He tried to speak, tried to get the words to come out of his mouth while Steve waited patiently on the other line. But no matter how hard he tried, the words stayed choked down in a ball in the bottom of his throat. He wasn’t even sure what he would say if he could muster the strength to speak to the other man.

He felt sweat trickle down his temple as his eyes scanned the New York skyline, as if somehow he’d find answers in the lights that illuminated the night.

A sort of gasp escaped his throat as he made another futile effort to speak. Tears soon (and surprisingly) welled up in his eyes as he pulled the phone away from his ear, clicking the lid shut.

He clenched his eyes shut and let a single tear flow down his cheek. He breathed until his heart-rate returned to normal and he stopped shaking.

“Fuck. I don’t hate you,” he cursed as he tossed the phone onto the ground, sending it sliding to the end of his leg.

He wiped the cursed tears from his eyes and downed the rest of his scotch in silence.

Before leaving the room, Tony looked out at the lights of the city in a drunken haze. He studied the blur of passing cars. They all had a destination to reach- somewhere certain.

 

When would he reach his?


	2. Steve's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's POV of Tony's drunken phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just Steve's POV. He is in Wakanda with T'Challa and the rest of them. 
> 
> Idk if I'll continue and try to make a fix-it because I might not have the time to do so/they're so difficult to get right. But again, if anyone wants me to, subscribe to the piece and maybe leave a comment.
> 
> 11/22/2016  
> Made edits to this chapter, yayyy.  
> I will have three and four up soon, I promise.

Steve was in T’Challa’s common room when Tony called, and it was the one time he didn’t have his burner phone on him. It was still morning, and Steve was trying to relax by drinking coffee and sketching.

Nowadays, he mostly sketched miscellaneous drawings that consisted of visions he had seen in his dreams, or thought of in his head. So, naturally, a lot of the drawings were of Tony. Or things he remembered from Siberia. Like leaving his best friend behind. Or seeing his panic-ridden face, as he stood over him in defiance. These memories were scorched into Steve’s mind forever, and though he told himself drawing was helping him get over it, he couldn’t let go. 

Tony was Steve friend. He knew that. He always has. He should have never carried out the actions that he did on that fateful day in Siberia. It took him awhile to see this, but he needed Tony in his life a lot more than he previously thought. 

Though he had never contemplated life without Tony.

He wasn’t sure about his other feelings that pertained to Tony Stark. Sure they joke flirted all the time, and they had grown pretty close through the years. Tony was so mesmerizing to Steve because he defied everything Steve was. Being around Tony excited him. There was always something exciting going when he was around him. Whether he was babbling about changing the future or just plain talking at him, he was always captivated by what he had to say. Before the fight had even begun, Steve knew that he had to sort out his feelings before he did anything brash.

But look where they are now. 

He missed Tony with a longing that made him feel physically worn out. Even with the serum coursing through his veins, he could never shake the loss of his friend.  
God, he was not handling this well.

 

With his feet propped up on an ottoman, he continued shading his most recent sketch of Tony’s hand/gauntlet in the Iron Man armor. The gauntlet stretched out on the page at Steve, reaching out to grab his hand, reminding him of the previous trust Tony and him shared. All gone now.

That’s when T’Challa bounced in, looking slightly panicked.

“Steve,” the king said, holding a small vibrating black device in his hand. “It’s Tony. He’s calling.”  
Not even a beat passed and Steve was throwing down his notebook and pencil, leaping towards the phone. He had been waiting for this moment ever since he arrived at Wakanda and he had sent the phone and letter to Tony.

He never thought this moment would come. Now he just had to make sure he didn’t fuck it up.  
Hurriedly, he flipped the phone open and placed it to his ear while running to his room.

Shutting the door behind him, he sat on the bed.

“Tony?” He said, in a pained and panicked voice that he never knew he even had. His mind frantically searched for the words to tell Tony how he was feeling. To apologize and make this mess up to him. Words would never be enough, he knew. Earning back Tony’s trust would take more than a few empty pleads for forgiveness.

On the line, he heard Tony’s ragged breathing. But no words came across. Steve’s chest tightened and his palms began to sweat. He put his elbows against his knees and rested his chin against his fist. He clenched the phone tighter, as if that would squeeze a response out of the other man.

But nothing came. Just choked gasps.

Steve was about to say something else to try and prod a response out of Tony, but before he did it, the call cut off. And Tony was gone.

Steve sat on the edge of his bed, gaping at the floor. He was so close to having an actual conversation with Tony. After two months, he thought this would have been his chance, but it was a false alarm. And he probably deserved it. Why would Tony actually want to talk to him? He hates Steve now. Steve hadn’t trusted him with the truth of his own parents for chrissake. What kind of friend was that? Steve knew it would take long for him and Tony to heal even remotely.

But how long could Steve possibly hold out for.

 

After what had felt like hours, T’Challa knocked on the door. Steve flopped the rest of the body back on the mattress of the bed, ran his hands over his face and groaned. With that, T’Challa opened the door and stepped in. Steve lifted himself up and met T’Challa’s worried and empathetic face. 

“What happened?” T’Challa asked.

“Not enough,” Steve said, his voice cracking.

T’Challa then held out his hand and pulled him up into a tentative embrace. Steve shyly wrapped his arms around the other man and sighed.

“I know you miss him, Steve,” T’Challa said. 

 

And damn, was he right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	3. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony wakes up hungover the day after he called Steve, when he realizes he should be back at the compound by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in awhile! I was super busy with school, but I'm on break now so I should have some free time to get some more writing done. 
> 
> These next two chapters are short, slow burning and also sort of a train-wreck. Chapter 3 will be of Tony's POV while chapter 4 will be of Steve's POV. It will likely play out like that till later in the fic.
> 
> Enjoy!

Tony awoke in a haze of regret.

He didn’t get drunk enough to forget what he had done last night, but boy did he wish he had.

“FRIDAY,” He asked, “What time is it.”

“It is 9:30 AM, sir,” the AI stated. “The weather outside is cloudy with a high of 52 degrees.”

As she said this, the curtains arose and light flooded into the room. Tony shielded his eyes, already feeling a headache coming on. FRIDAY noticed and dimmed the windows.

Tony rolled over, and to his surprise, his side landed on something hard. He reached his hand under him and pulled out the burner phone from the night before. He scoffed at the phone, but flipped the lid open anyways. The phone showed the basics - time, date and battery life. No notifications from Steve. No missed calls. For a second Tony felt a twinge of sadness. But feeling sad over it just wasn’t worth it.

Sliding out of bed slowly, he plugged the phone into the charger lying on his nightstand and sauntered into the bathroom to shower off.

As Tony lathered soap onto his body, he thought of what would have happened if he had spoken to Steve last night. He had been so angry for so long at the blonde supersoldier. How could he manage to explain how he was feeling after brooding and lashing out for months? What would he say?  
How could he tell Steve that he really needed to talk to him? Needed him to understand, needed him to be there for him. He felt so betrayed and angry, but he needed to see the other man. Then maybe they would reach an end to this fighting.

Or maybe he’s better off without him.

His thoughts were interrupted when FRIDAY called out to him.

“Sir?” The AI asked, “Rhodey is on the line. Should I patch him through?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Tony said, stepping out of the shower and drying off. “Rhodey, what’s up?”

“Tony, weren’t you supposed to be back at the compound by now?” Rhodey stated, his voice sounding a little worried. “You said you’d be back by late last night. Did you sleep in the tower?”

Tony groaned. He had forgotten he told Rhodey that he would there and back from the tower in the same day. But instead he had trudged to the bar, took the elevator up and sat on the floor in an empty room, drinking his thoughts away. He let himself be vulnerable again. If Rhodey knew the truth, he’d be devastated, and he didn’t deserve to feel that way over Tony’s reckless habits.

“Yeah, uh, I had more work to catch up on and I was up late,” Tony lied through his teeth. “So I decided to bunk here. Sorry, I really should have called.”

“Yeah okay,” Rhodey said. “Just get back here soon.”

“Yeah yeah, got it.”

The line cut off and he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, and proceeded to get dressed in a casual shirt and pants. He grabbed the things he had brought with him (including the burner phone he knew he should just leave behind) and exited the room to make his way to the car he had driven from the compound.

“Sir,” FRIDAY’s voice called, “are you sure you should be driving while hungover?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Tony said, rolling his eyes. “Always am.”

Leaving the tower, he passed through the common room that has been untouched for months. Memories hung in the atmosphere like a poison had been released into the air, untraceable and deadly. He wanted his past life back more than ever, but nothing could be the same. He knew that for sure.

Taking one last long glance at the room, he sighed and ducked into the elevator and headed down to the garage.

The garage for the Avengers was empty except for a few of Tony’s cars. Everything else had been taken in for inspection by Ross or was back at the compound. Steve bike was back at the compound, because Tony was an idiot and had sympathized and kept it away from Ross.

Tony hopped in his orange custom Audi A8, started the car and drove off from the tower and out of New York City.

Everything about being at the tower made him hopelessly nostalgic. The place filled him with memories from the past and made his head spin. He knew coming back was a bad idea, but he needed to feel something real for once.

With these thoughts in his head, Tony sped off back to the compound where he knew a very worried Rhodey would be waiting for him.


	4. Nightmares and Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve falls asleep and has a nightmare about Tony after the phone call.  
> Then an unexpected guest shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, idk if Natasha is like supposed to be in Wakanda or not so I'm making her have an appearance for now, but she won't be there all the time. 
> 
> Sorry there's so much dialogue and the chapters with Steve's POV are so much longer. Tony's have been really short and simple bc so far all he's done was drank, called Steve, then left the Tower to go back to the compound. His chapters will get longer as the story progresses.
> 
> Happy reading!

After the phone call, T’Challa left the room to give Steve some privacy, and the whole day seemed to move slower than drying paint.

And all he could think about was Tony.

He needed to figure out a way to apologize to Tony, and rebuild at least a fraction of what they had. But with what he had done to Tony, he was almost sure he wouldn’t be completely forgiven. He would have to build bridges to get to Tony - to let him know that he was wrong and that he should have just listened. His guilt had just gotten worse since he arrived in Wakanda, and it was beginning to be overwhelming. He had the other Avengers here with him to help, but a lot was missing in his life. Left incomplete.

Steve paced his room endlessly, clutching the burner phone in his hand and flipping the lid open and closed with his thumb. Eventually, he gave up on his thoughts, sunk into his bed and drifted into sleep.

 

* * *

 

Steve’s nightmares were unrelenting, filling him with even more pain and regret than he could bear.

This nightmare featured him in Siberia, fighting Tony alongside Bucky. Every punch, every kick, felt all too real for a dream. The fight was playing out as Steve remembered it, but the events took a different turn as Steve said the words that would always haunt him.

“He’s my friend,” Steve said to Tony.  
Instead of responding, Tony launched himself at Steve, kicking and punching at him, till his shield flew out of his hands and smashed onto the wall. Defenseless, Tony shoved him up against a wall and shed himself of the Iron Man mask.

“Then what am I to you, Rogers?” Tony spat out angrily. “We were friends too. Am I nothing to you now? All those times we spent together - for this?”

Steve saw pain and rage in his eyes.

“Tony, I--,” Steve was cut off by a blow to his face. Falling to the ground, Tony turned around and laid a foot into his gut, sending him spiraling across the hard cement of the bunker. Tony seized him by the neck, bent down and held him up to his cold brown eyes.

“I think I was right when we first met. You are nothing but an experiment. You don’t deserve what my father gave you. You betrayed me when I asked for help, and never even told me about my own parents death,” Tony said. “You’re just a worthless friend, Rogers.”

Tears welled in Steve’s eyes as Tony raised his fist up, preparing to deliver one last blow to his face, and then everything went black.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve shot straight up, breathing frantically. He clutched at his heart, hoping it would maybe slow down the thumping that pulsed throughout his body. He rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes that had grown puffy and red. Groaning, he reached over at his nightstand to take a sip of water, not expecting to see Natasha Romanoff in the doorway. He jumped back, making himself alert, before recognizing who it was.

Natasha’s face stared at him with worry. She no doubt knows what just happened - she could see it in his eyes as she analyzed his face carefully.

“Natasha? What are you doing here?” Steve asked the spy.

“Stopping in to check up. You seem to be doing well..” Natasha stated sarcastically with a hint of sympathy. “How long have you been having those?”

“Having what?” Steve asked.

“Don’t bullshit me, Steve.”

“Uh… I don’t know, they started a couple weeks after I arrived here I guess.”

Natasha stared at him with a serious look on her face. “And have you told or talked to anyone about this?”

Steve just looked the other direction and sighed.

“Why did I even ask,” she said all too knowingly. She walked into the room, and sat next to Steve on the bed. “T’Challa told me about the call. Is that the first time he’s called?”

Steve only nodded, staring at the floor.

“I’m gonna guess he didn’t say a lot,” Natasha said. “Are you okay?”

Steve planted his head into his hands, then looked up at Natasha. “I don’t even know what to say to him, I haven’t even forgiven myself for what I did to him,” he said. “All I can think of is how I need to make it up to him, I need him to know that I am sorry. I’ve been trying to get my mind off of everything - I really have - but when he called I thought there was some hope left for us. But nothing happened.”

Natasha’s eyebrows furrowed and her face of worry only showed more. “This is going to be hard, Steve. You two are both in the worst places, and you both really messed up with each other,” she told him. “From what I’ve heard, Tony hasn’t been doing too well with his grief either.”

Hearing this only made Steve think worse of himself. Tony didn’t need more grief, after all he’s been through.

Natasha placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “You need to try and talk to him again. Reach out, and let him know yourself. I know you need to move on and so does he, and the only way either of you are going to be able to do that is if you settle your issues. I know this sounds pointless, but you gotta start somewhere. You told Stark in your letter that you’d be there if you needed him. You _promised_. This is your way of keeping your promise.”

Steve just stared at her blankly. “But I don’t even know where I’d start. Anything I try to say will just be in vain.”

“Just say what comes into your head. You’ll know what to say when he picks up, it’ll all come naturally,” she placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “Show him you care. Tony’s been working on making progress to the Accords for months, to have you and the rest of them not be labeled as fugitives, so he still cares. He needs this. He needs you.”

Steve thought about this. She was right, they needed to start somewhere if they wanted to make this better. They needed to recognize where they had both messed up and apologize. Steve had to make sure Tony knew he was sorry, and knew that he would never hurt him again.

“I think you’re right,” Steve said. “I’m just afraid I’m only going to make matters worse.”

“You won’t,” Natasha reassured him. “If you reach out, it will show more than you believe. You just have to make him know you’re willing to solve this issue with him.”

Natasha stood up from the bed and started towards the door.

“I have to go now, no one can know I’m here, I can’t blow my cover. I’ll be back later, but you need to take care of this and call Tony before he gives up on you completely. Got it?”

Steve nodded and waved Natasha out the door.

He reached into the pocket of his jeans and took out the burner phone. He felt around the smooth edges of cheap plastic, contemplating how a useless phone could end up bridging a gap between two lost friends.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony arrives at the compound to a very worried Rhodey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh ok I'm uploading this now because I have NO IDEA where I'm going with this next. I can't decide wether I want the next chapter to be a Tony or Steve POV because this was a large chapter with Tony and I don't wanna keep people waiting in case it takes me awhile to decide/write the next chapter. So this is what I have as of now.
> 
> Btw, sorry my spacing is so weird in this, I was too lazy to fix it ahaha

After what seemed like eternity, Tony reached the compound a few hours later.

 

He parked his Audi in the garage and took the elevator up to the communal floor, where he knew Rhodey would be waiting. Hopefully he didn’t take figure out the real reason he got caught up in the tower last night and believed his lie about work. But he knew his luck wouldn’t go that far.

 

Tony didn’t want Rhodey to know about the drinking or about the call. He needed to convince him that he was doing well- that he was better off. He didn’t want Rhodey to think he was worth worrying over. The colonel had his own problems to worry about and Tony didn’t need to burden him. He needs to focus on getting better- on walking again. Always doing something wrong had sort of become a mantra for Tony- it was something that everybody was used to. Hell, he’d been getting lectures on how much of a mistake he is from Howard since the age of 12. For once he just wanted to be doing better.

 

The elevator dinged, and as soon as Tony stepped out, he felt Rhodey’s judging eye glaring at him before they even made eye contact.

 

Tony sighed and strode over to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He filled the cup, absent-mindedly staring at the rising water from the fridge. When it was full, he turned around, rubbed his face and leaned against the counter, looking up at Rhodey.

 

“Tony, you look like crap,” Rhodey stated bluntly. “What were you doing last night?”

 

“I was up late,” Tony lied. “I had work to catch up on. Being out of office for so long really makes papers build up.”

 

“I don’t believe that for a second. Pepper takes care of all of your paperwork. Even if she’s in office or not.” Rhodey saw right through his lie and he knew it. He was in too deep now.

 

“Well I mean I had to make sure the company was doing okay…”

 

“Stop lying to me, Tones. What’s going on?”

 

Tony’s head shot up and he narrowed his eyes at Rhodey. “Will you just let it go? I don’t want you worrying about me. I’m fine. Better than ever, actually. I just got tired and stayed in the tower for the night. No big deal.”

 

“Tony, I care about you! If something is wrong again, I want to know how I can help. Just because I’m crippled doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Rhodey inhaled frustratedly. “I need you to be responsible and own up to your problems- seek help if you need it. I can tell something is bothering you. I’ve known you for too long to just let it go.”

 

Tony felt his heart racing. He needs help, he knows that much, but he thought he was doing so good, and he didn’t want anyone to think otherwise.

 

But how long could this go on for?

 

He groaned and reached into his pocket, pulling out the shitty piece of plastic burden that weighed him down at all times of the day. He chucked the phone onto the marble countertop, watching it almost fall off the edge.

 

Rhodey’s face became immensely filled with concern and he got slowly up to move towards Tony.

 

“Tony what-” he started.

 

“I need to look forward from this. I need to let it go and know that I’m better off, but something isn’t letting me,” Tony said, breathing unevenly. “I don’t know if it’s Steve or if it’s everyone else, or maybe it’s that I wish everything wasn’t so messy. I just feel so empty all the time, and the only way I’m going to get better is if I fill this gap that I have. Hell, I was feeling so empty last night that the only thing that could fill me was a drink. And not even that helped. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

“Pepper is gone, Steve is gone, the rest of the Avengers - the people I built this whole complex for and cared for- are gone. They’re like a memory to me. All I have left is you, Rhodey. You’re all I have. I wanted to change the world for the better, and I tried to get Steve to see eye-to-eye with me and help me. I knew we needed to be put in check, and for once I thought I was doing something right for the world, but it only ended in this conflict. And I’m still so mad at him. I am furious. I know that if he calls again or comes to see me, I’m gonna be angry at him. But another part of me just wants him back in my life. God, I’ve been working on the Accords for months, thinking that maybe if I can get that far then everything will fall into place, but it hasn’t happened. I’m tired of waiting for change to happen on its own.”

 

Tony sunk to his elbows and put his hands in his face. He did exactly what he never wanted to do. He let his guard down, he let his feelings spill out like a vase with a leak in it. He put a burden on Rhodey and he already wished he hadn’t. This is what has become of the great, strong Tony Stark. Now he’s beat down with a sense of worthlessness.

 

He can’t face this alone.

 

Rhodey said nothing, but placed a hand on his back, rubbing in small circles while Tony breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm himself down.

 

“Tony, listen,” Rhodey said. “You aren’t a burden. I care for you, and I’m willing to bet that there are boundless of others that care for you too. This whole situation sucks. Trust me, I know is sucks and I know what it feels like to be empty. But you need to consider who is your true friend here. I know you want to make up with Steve and work as a team, but maybe he’s really not there for you and you should let it go. You can be better off without him and the rest of them, I know you can. You’re so strong.”

 

Tony pondered this while Rhodey stepped back and crossed his arms, letting the other man get the space he needed.

 

“I get what you’re saying Rhodey, I do,” Tony explained. “But it’s only been a couple of months and the days are still drawing out slowly as ever. I don’t know how I’m going to get over this if I’m still feeling so shitty. I don’t see any other solution.”

 

“I know it’s hard right now, and this might take awhile to fix or get over, but you need to think about what Steve did to you. He left you there. He went against you even when you reached out and asked for help. I don’t want him to hurt you again.”

 

“Well, it’s too late for that one bud. Because he’s hurting me now, and he isn’t even around anymore.”

 

Tony stood up, walked over to the sink to dump out the rest of his ice, then started making his way back towards the elevator.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Back to my room, I need a second.”

 

“Yeah no, not without me you aren’t,” Rhodey commanded. “You’ve been sober for way too long to throw it all away over this. You worked hard, remember? I’m not letting you go down that path again.”

 

Tony all but rolled his eyes and went down to grab Rhodey’s hand to help him to the elevator.

 

It was going to be a long day for the both of them.

 

* * *

 

 

After sitting around eating pizza and watching movies in Tony’s room for hours on end, they decided to call it a night. With that, Tony decided it was time to try and get some sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony makes a split second decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow this chapter is very long I am sorry. And it isn't amazing either. I just re-watched CACW and was heartbroken, again, so I wrote a lot of angst. 
> 
> Idk why there's such a theme with nightmares, I think I'm just trying to outline that Tony and Steve are both struggling with this whole fallout and with their own personal battles. Plus I needed a reason for Tony to call Steve that didn't have to do with Tony getting drunk bc he's stronger than that. So yeah.
> 
> Also forewarning, this chapter is a little gruesome uhh.. sorry
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys!

Tony arrived in his room feeling anxious and worn out. Why he wasn’t able to fix the suit was unclear, but he knew he’d need it soon.

The man sat on the edge of his bed, trying to slow his breathing and take away the panic he felt in his lab. Every blow that Steve delivered to the suit was immediately felt once the engineer even looked at the suit. Even if Tony were seeking to trust the captain again, the memories of each hit Tony took would still be ingrained in his mind, whether he liked it or not.

After slowing his breathing down, he washes his face and took the bundle of medications that are supposed to help him cope with the trauma he has to deal with. Part of him doesn’t want to rely on these medications, but he knows he needs it.

“FRIDAY,” Tony commands, “dim the lights. I need to sleep for ten years.” 

“Got it,” the AI says and the lights promptly dim to a relaxing setting.

Tony lies amidst numerous fluffy pillows that he doesn’t really need, and sinks down into the thick duvet comforter. 

His eyelids begin to feel heavy when sleep finally overtakes his body and he drifts into an eventual comfort…

 

* * *

 

His comfort is short-lived as his nightmares come swirling into view

He’s back in the vision that Wanda put in his mind. What he sees is routine now, but he can’t control how the dream works and affects him.

Tony climbs over the rubble in the scene to find all of the Avengers defeated, lying dead before him. Everyone he cared for. His family. Dead. Panic sets in as he nears Steve, collapsing onto the ground beside the other man. The super soldier's body is contorted and lifeless before his eyes, and there’s nothing he can do. And of course comes the grabber of the whole dream.

_“You could’ve saved us.”_

Tony stumbles back, tripping on a boulder and everything goes black. His eyes snap open, but now he’s in the Iron Man suit, staring at the destruction of Sokovia - the destruction his creation made. Except this time, the floating island is falling, and there’s no backup. No SHIELD, no strategy, no plan. Mission failed.

FRIDAY is hollering statistics and data at him. Data on the lives about to be lost, how much destruction this will cause the rest of the planet.

“FRIDAY, are the Avengers still on there?” Tony asks, though he already knows the answer.

“Yes, all of them are still there fighting Ultron,” the AI reports.

“What are my chances of saving them?”

“Slim. You have about 25% of success of retrieving all of them.”

Tony’s breath staggers as he processes these odds.

“I’m going in,” he says confidently.

“I would not advise of that boss,” the AI warns him.

“It’s all or nothing.”

Tony puts all of his thrusters on and heads in towards the chaos. He quickly spots Cap and Black Widow fighting aside each other.

He lands with a soft thud and begins fighting the swarming bots, without any real success. They just keep coming one after the other, more than there were before and the three fighters are very much outnumbered.

“Alright you two, time to go,” Tony shouts through the comms, “or we won’t make it out of here alive.”

“Tony, there’s no way I’m leaving with all of these people still here,” Steve says through punch after punch to the bots. “There’s got to be a way to stop them.”

“We’re kind of all out of options here.”

“You can’t expect us to leave, Tony,” Natasha says. ”Some things just have to happen.”

“Not if I can help it.”

Tony launches off into the air and analyses the rockets holding half of Sokovia up. As a last ditch effort, he rockets down to the core of the island, and sees if he can dismantle any crucial parts to the power source.

“FRIDAY where can I hit it?”

“Everything is protected by vibranium,” the AI reports. “There’s not enough time to break it open.”

Tony just about screams and in disparity, he shoots every weapon, every repulser he has at the falling island.

“Boss, you gotta get out of there before half of Sokovia falls on you.”

“Fuck,” Tony gasps through tears. Without any real strength, he turns around and begins flying out of the way.

He flies out to the depths of the woods before Sokovia and in that moment, what’s left of the island comes crashing down. A boom that shakes the ground Tony is planted on, and soon the foundation beneath him gives way.

“The ground around Sokovia is losing its structural integrity. I’d suggest you fly upwards.”

Kicking his thrusters on full blast, the Iron Man suit takes him high into the air, and Tony breaks down.

He knows not everyone made it out. Those still on land had no chance, and he doesn’t see Vision, Thor, or the Hulk yet, which is not a good sign.

Tony stays completely still in the suit because there’s nothing he can do. It’s done and it’s his fault. Shock overwhelms his body and the only thing the man can feel are the tears running down his face. He’s lost some of the people he cares about most in a short time-frame and the only thing he can do is take the blame for it.

He’s shocked out of his paralysis when FRIDAY alerts him about his falling altitude. Carefully, he glides down to the wreckage, remaining somewhat hopeful and scoping out possible survivors.

Though when he reaches the ground and some of the dust and ash clears, all he sees is crumbled buildings on top of each other. Death hangs in the atmosphere as he has FRIDAY scan for life with no luck.

His stomach lurches and he flips the Iron Man mask up just in time to dry heave, retching up the remains of whatever was left in his stomach.

After his stomach settles and he regains some strength, FRIDAY alerts him of a faint sign of life to his right.

Tony dashes to where the AI picked up the sign of life, and his eyes fell on the contorted body of Captain America. His legs and arms are placed in unnatural awkward angles and his face was on the edge of life and death. Tony kneels beside him, taking his pulse. There’s a faint heartbeat that he can barely even pick up.

“Cap, I’m here. Everything’s going to be okay, I’ll fly you to medical and you’ll heal, just like you always do,” Tony says frantically, gripping one of Steve’s hands as a reassurance. “C’mon stay with me. I need you.”

The soldier’s head turns slowly to face Iron Man, and his gloved hand gives a little squeeze.

And he repeats the same words as he did when Wanda put the vision in his head.

“You.. could have saved us..”

His head droops back and his hands slacken as the life leaves the body of Captain America.

Then everything swirls together into darkness.

 

* * *

 

Tony jolts up and out of bed, scrambling for his nightstand drawer. He shuffles the contents in the drawer around until he finds the burner phone. 

Flipping the phone open, he hits the send button and the phone dials the only contact stored in its memory. The phone rings for five seconds flat until the voice of Steve Rogers cuts in. Sweat collects on his brow as he waits.

“Tony, please stay on,” Steve pleads.

Tony’s gasps for air, tears streaming down his face as he coughs up sobs.

“What’s going on, what’s wrong??”

Without thinking Tony blurts out, “Steve. Come. I need you. Please. Soon.”

“Stay where you are, I’ll be there as soon as possible. Please Tony stay safe, calm down. Everything will be alright. I’m coming.”

And with that, Tony promptly passes out.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> List of things I know I fucked up:  
> 1\. timezones. they should not have been falling asleep at the same time so just assume one is taking a nap.  
> 2\. a lot of the Ultron information is construed and probs wrong bc I haven't watched that movie in forever. so yeah.  
> 3\. also i realized right after the last chapter that Tony does indeed fix the suit even though i say he can't bring himself to it. so i added in, "Why he wasn’t able to fix the suit was unclear, but he knew he’d need it soon." to sorta foreshadow that and make sure you guys know that i didn't forget that lolol.
> 
> UPDATE, 08/11/2017: hola. just made some major updates (i.e. deleting an entire chapter because i got annoyed with myself) and some parts are now missing and some of the stuff that i addressed above is now irrelevant. on the other hand, I'm so sorry i totally abandoned this fic. I got super busy after Christamas break and never continued writing. i promise i'll have another chapter soon. 
> 
> happy reading!


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